Flight to Adulthood, Now Boarding.

by Jenn De Los Ama

I remember March was the month I was supposed to leave for South Korea on my international exchange program. Everything had been set for my departure and 6 month stay there, from my visa requirements down to my exchange buddy who I downloaded KakaoTalk for so we could easily communicate. I had my clothes prepared, complete with my heattech leggings and long sleeves, coat, and boots in case the weather was still too cold for my heat acclimated body, which were all folded and packed neatly alongside all the medicine my mom had bought and prepared in small labelled containers for emergencies. I felt a mixture of excitement and fear from having to travel to a foreign country alone for the first time. I thought that it would be my first step to learning how to live independently. Being the younger sibling and growing up surrounded by older people most of my life, it became easy to depend on others and oftentimes be coddled. Although college gave me more opportunities to learn, mature, and be on my own, I still felt as though there were bigger things to figure out and challenges to undertake. And before I would go on to graduate and enter the world of adults, I thought that I could experience some of this through an exchange program.

Nearing my departure date, there were talks of a virus that was slowly spreading across different regions abroad, but was far enough from the town I would be staying in. However, in the same week that I was supposed to board a plane and embark on my journey towards independence, the program was postponed due to the 2019 Novel Coronavirus. And as everyone else knows, the next 2 years would go on to be an accumulation of lockdowns, quarantine, life persevering, and tragic loss.

*Sheltering*
Terry Braunstein
Long Beach Airport. (2020). Pandemic Art Exhibit. Retrieved April 18, 2022, from https://www.longbeach.gov/lgb/about-us/public-art/pandemic-art-exhibit/

In those 2 years, independence was put aside for lessons on survival and living through a global pandemic. While I still have not experienced being on my own, I have learned what it is like to be stripped away of certain luxuries in life and to live on essentials. And coincidentally, what I lost from my cancelled trip, I also gained in some ways under quarantine. I can now say that if I were to live by myself, I would be able to cook my meals, clean the place, and fix or build things if needed. While these may seem like small feats, I feel as though I am much further ahead than where I had started prior to the pandemic. But after 2 years, with my luggage now unpacked and my graduation drawing nearer, what I have accomplished thus far in preparing for adulthood feels so minute I could pack them with the expired pills in my small labelled containers. Anxiety and uncertainty were now not only from figuring out “adulting”, which consisted of deciding what to do after graduation, preparing documents, government IDs, applications for jobs, housing, bills, etc., and another long list of personal responsibilities, but also from going through the effects of a pandemic, transitioning online, and constantly having to face both international and national issues.

So when it gets a little too much, sometimes my friends and I would go on video calls through Zoom and Messenger either to talk about how we felt or to unwind by playing games. Going down the Tiktok rabbit hole of scrolling through videos for hours on end became routine and provided a sense of comfort by connecting people going through the same fear, restlessness, and stress. My sister and I went through a phase during the start of quarantine where we would exercise 5 times a week for at least an hour. Online shopping became so popular, being a platinum member on Shopee was like wearing a badge of honor. It’s funny to think that while big things were happening in the world, it’s the small things that became our gravity.

***Embroidered heart***
**Julie Shade**
Stower, H., & Guennot, M. (2021, March 15). *Art in a pandemic: A Digital Gallery*. Nature News. Retrieved April 18, 2022, from https://www.nature.com/articles/d41591-021-00009-5

Finding your own path towards adulthood becomes harder when the universe seems as though it’s set out to make it dark, muddy, slippery, and steep. Sometimes you get caught up seeing other people so far ahead it seems futile to move forward. You also have to carry around heavier baggage because you’re supposed to be strong enough for the weight. To top it all off, it was at this turning point in your life when the world would also begin to go through a massive change affecting the course of everyone’s lives. Big things were happening and I felt small in comparison. What was the point of struggling, striving, and learning the ropes of adulthood if the world was shutting down? Without much effort, I had allowed myself to crumble as I had thought the world did. Some days it felt like I was letting the opening sequence of a show run instead of skipping because I couldn’t find it in me to press a button. I was going through the motions because it was safe, familiar, and required little to no energy.

**Kashmira Sarode**
CNN. (2020, May 8). *How 9 artists are living and creating during self-isolation*. CNN. Retrieved April 18, 2022, from https://edition.cnn.com/style/article/artists-share-artworks-made-during-the-pandemic/index.html

But my body had decided much faster than my mind had that it was tired of repetitive actions. So in the same fashion as I had slipped into routine-- without much effort, I took a small step. And then another. And then I kept taking steps until I realized that big things could happen and I could feel like the most minuscule part of the universe, but significance never takes on a size or shape. If it mattered enough to me, then it was worth pursuing. Like an uninterrupted opening sequence to a show, another thought occurred to me again: that no matter what decisions I make and how they would affect the next part of my life, there was no feeling big enough that would stop it from naturally occurring. While it might be overwhelming to know how certain choices lead to consequences, life will continue with its ebbs and flows. I could have been so fearful that I could have decided not to pursue my exchange program, but I held on to my excitement when I made my choice. I could have let anxiety consume me and decided to prolong my studies, but I held on to my video calls with friends, funny Tiktok clips, and Shopee purchases in order to put up a fight every day. And these decisions never ended up how I wanted or expected them to, but they were the steps I made to be in the position I am now which is an inch closer to adulthood. So as I continue on this path, I’ll try to keep in mind that whether the choices I make are so big they can’t fit in a carry-on luggage or so little that they have to be packed with emergency medicine, I just have to make them, keep taking steps, and find the joy even in the smallest cracks and crevices until they can fill up the whole room. And hopefully before long, I will find myself exactly where I need to be, with enough energy to press that skip button so I can move along to the show.